Connecting in College: Making Friends and Meeting New People in Your Late Teens

Source: Pexels (@DΛVΞ GΛRCIΛ)

The summer before I moved to California for university, nearly every adult in my life gave me the same advice: Put yourself out there. I nodded and smiled each time, assuming I’d figure it out as I went.

As expected, my first week was hectic and overwhelming. I had dozens of pleasant but awkward conversations with passersby and peers at events, orientation, and in the dining hall; however, it was evident that the environment and context required some attuning to. By fall, I was doing everything I thought I was supposed to. I went to club meetings alone and with friends, exchanged Instagram handles with everyone I had a positive interaction with, and introduced myself to people whose names I forgot minutes later. I sparked conversations with new faces in lecture halls, made small talk with TAs and professors, and said yes to every opportunity under the sun.

It worked — at least on the surface. I learned to start conversations, became more comfortable talking to strangers, and slowly built a network of familiar faces, despite once considering myself quite awkward and shy. I was, by all definitions, putting myself out there.

But today, I’m not in any of the dozen clubs I attended in my freshman year. Most of the early connections I made faded just as quickly as they started. In fact, almost all of my closest friends today were made in the most random or nonsensical way. Looking back, I don’t actually think this is a failure or an anomaly. I think it reveals something important about friendships that we don’t talk about enough — that putting yourself out there isn’t actually how friendships are built. I won’t pretend I am an expert in friendships, but I think I have tried and failed enough times to share some general lessons I’ve picked up on.

I encourage you to reflect on your longest or most meaningful friendships. My sense is that many of these connections occurred either naturally or unexpectedly — not from boldness or a particular stroke of bravery like the “putting yourself out there” archetype hints at. Often, being in the right place at the right time is enough, and doesn’t always necessitate an impromptu introduction. From conversations with friends, I’ve noticed that many meaningful friendships in college aren’t built from one-off moments, but through low-pressure proximity, intentional exposure, or just being visible to others. Even then, it requires intentional follow-up and follow-through.

Repeated Proximity

Friendship is less about boldness and more about familiarity. If your goal is to expand your personal or professional network, this might look different, but genuine friendships tend to form more quietly. Shared spaces and repeated interactions are powerful, even if all they allow is some extra face time when you pass by one another in the hallway. What I was missing in my first year wasn’t effort, but consistency and intentional action; I was meeting many people once, but rarely put myself in the position to see them again. In a sense, these small interactions feel unintuitive. After all, isn’t it better to get to know someone more deeply, like through a short conversation, than to just hover around in their peripheral vision?

While we can’t control what others do, we can control where we are and what we do, and that is enough to grow familiarity, which is much more powerful than it sounds. This can be something as simple and easy as sitting in the same seat in a class every time, attending office hours just to listen and have face time with peers, or being in the same organization or environment as someone you find intriguing. This familiarity is a great conversation starter later. For instance, at my teaching assistant job, one of my coworkers recognized me from a course we were both in, despite us never interacting before that day. This led to more conversations about the courses we were taking, our majors, interests, and more, and ultimately, we became friends. Repeated proximity doesn’t guarantee a friendship, but it brings you a few steps closer so that when the time is right, sparking a conversation doesn’t feel so random.

Fun fact: Studies in psychology overwhelmingly show that physical and/or psychological closeness increases interpersonal liking. Interestingly, increased exposure to someone can amplify preexisting opinions about them, but in their absence, this increased exposure results in positive feelings due to familiarity and perceived similarity. So, just being in someone’s periphery can give them a positive baseline opinion about you!

The Difference Maker: Following Up

A lot of my first year, particularly my first week, consisted of conversations like this:

“What year are you in? What’s your major?”

“You’re an XYZ major, too? That’s such a coincidence. 

“What do you do in your free time?”

“Oh, cool. I like doing ABC. We should totally hang out sometime.”

While these conversations were pleasant and positive, I’d estimate 9/10 times I never saw the individual again. Interactions like these are commonplace in freshman year, when everyone is open to small talk, but few are willing to follow up and follow through. I realized soon after that “we should study” or “let’s go to the XYZ event together” held little actual meaning because they signified no real commitment and too much pressure. Instead, saying things like “I’m going to the library after this if you want to do the homework together” or “There’s this event on Friday at 2 pm, would you want to go check it out?” that increases specificity and/or demonstrates personal commitment can make a real difference. Most people feel the same way about these connections: They’re open to them, but waiting for the other person to show some initiative. 

Try “putting yourself out there” in this regard next time you’re making a new friend! Take the extra step to demonstrate some commitment and show the other person you are genuinely interested in keeping in touch.

Conclusion

Making friends is hard. Everyone looks like they already have friends, social media makes it seem like no one struggles with connection, and we tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to face-to-face interactions in general. My experiences with trying (and failing sometimes!) to make friends have taught me that most people aren’t actually rejecting you, but are actually in the same awkward, unsure boat. Building familiarity and implicit trust just by being around can make a real difference.

Short interactions over time, coupled with a lot of nuanced factors like shared context, personality, and more, can eventually become something, though they often don’t feel as bold as an introduction or cold conversation. Friendship is most often built in accumulation, not intensity. I encourage you to introduce yourself implicitly this way in the next week, month, or just in your next potential friendship!